It’s fairly obvious that most criminals aren’t exactly what we intelligent people. So, it takes quite a bit for somebody to be called a particularly dumb criminal, and these are 10 of the very dumbest criminals to walk our planet.
1. The Million Dollar Bill
The largest bill currently circulating is the 100 dollar bill. However, this did not stop Michael Anthony Fuller from going in to his local Walmart and attempt to use a $1 million bill – which really sucks for Fuller, because no one would buy it. Fuller, who really should have done his homework, tried to use the fake note to buy a microwave, vacuum cleaner and other goods, which totaled $476. By his reckoning he was due $999,524 in change. After the police were called, Fuller was arrested fir attempting to obtain goods under false pretense and uttering a forged instrument.
2. Lottery Thief Sets Himself on Fire
It’s often said that to be forewarned is to be forearmed. A convenience-store thief got away, but the video from the security camera illustrated a very strange, strange tale. A man broke into the store overnight, and tried to cover his tracks by burning the place down. He threw charcoal lighter fluid around, but by the time he ignited it, the fumes had inflamed the store, and he therefore set himself on fire. While in flames, he grabbed a roll of lottery tickets and fled. At the time of the story, police were looking for a man with facial, neck, and possibly wrist burns and low and behold they found him.
3. They Snorted Our Dad!
In January of 2011, a group of teenage boys a broke into a Florida home and took several items including the cremated remains of the victim’s father and his two dogs, which the criminals thought were narcotics. According to the police report, the boys later tasted and sniffed the cremated remains thinking it was cocaine and then learned of their mistake after seeing a news report. Police arrested Waldo Soroa (pictured), 19, Jose Diaz Marrero, 19, Matrix Andaluz, 18 and two 17-year-olds on various burglary charged.
4. Write a Book
Not that we’re encouraging anyone to commit murder, but should you ever do so we reckon it would be fairly wise, once you have done the deed, and indeed seemingly got away with it, to keep schtum. Don’t tip the wink and all that. Unfortunately, Polish author Krystian Bala was unable to do such a thing after brutally murdering Dariusz Janiszewski in 2000. Three years later he wrote about a similar murder in his novel, Amok. When police stumbled upon the book they unearthed a trail linking Janiszewski back to Bala. Silly, silly, arrogant man.
5. Ask The Police To Arrest You
Curiosity killed this dumbest cat. It also got Detroit man R.C. Gaitlan arrested in 1988, after he asked cops demonstrating the latest in crack-bang-whizz hi-tech computer felon-location equipment to children to show him how such technology worked. Handing over his driver’s licence to be scanned, the police discovered Gaitlan was wanted for an armed robbery in St. Louis two years previously. Talk about giving the cops a get-out-of-jail-and-get-yourself-sent-to-jail-card.
6. The Writings on the Wall
“Peter Addison was here!” Not very imaginative teenage graffiti when daubed on a park bench.
Peter Addison and his friend Mark Ridgeway vandalized the Toc H centre, a children’s campsite building. They smashed crockery, set off fire extinguishers, and drew graffiti on the walls. Part of the grafitti said “Peter Addison was here.” Police found Addison through a computer database. Both teenagers pled guilty and were ordered to pay the fine for the damages
7. Falling Asleep on the Job
Not being expert cat burglars we can only imagine that one of the key stipulations in the cat burglar’s handbook is get in quick, get out even quicker. We’re fairly sure failing asleep under your victim’s bed is not a characteristic anyone would expect from an expert burglar.
Burglar Mark Smith found out to his cost in May 2007. Dosed up to the gills on valium and vodka he went for an unwitting 40 winks while robbing a house in Whitley Bay. When finally woken by police, Smith was starting at an 18-month stretch inside. We could call this guy less of a cat burglar and more cat napper.
8. Social Media Fail
If while committing a robbery the person whose worldly goods you’re messing with happens to see your face, we’d advise not sending her a Facebook friend request, thus allowing her to see all 592 photos of your gormless self, pulling those inane heavy metal signs in your local Shooters and Hooters bar. Unfortunately that is precisely what Juan Gonzales Jr of Colorado did. So in essence Facebook allowed the book to be thrown at his face. Who says social media is a bad thing?
9. Donkey Foils Robbery
Three thieves wanted to knock over a small shop in the Columbian village of Juan de Acosta. For their getaway, they trusted the services of a donkey. Or stole the service is more like it, as they had snatched 10-year-old Xavi from his pen. This proved to be a horrible idea. The cons loaded the pack animal with rum, oil, rice, cans of tuna and sardines after their 2 AM robbery. However the donkey refused to cooperate with their caper and began belting out a series of “hee-haws.”
The boys attracted the attention of the police, who descended on the thieves. They were able to escape, although they had to leave behind all of their plunder. Police did detain Xavi for the better part of a day, but we guess when the authorities determined the animal wasn’t in on the plot he was returned to his rightful owner. While we hate to give advice to criminals, the moral of this story is to stick with a getaway car and never an animal like a donkey.