Awkward and embarrassing moments are an inescapable consequence of being born. There’s not a single person alive who did not experience these unpleasant situations and few can brag about gracefully defusing them.
The worst part is that sometimes they tend to occur during the most important moments of our life, which makes them all the more discomforting. Not to worry, the following guide will attempt to summarize the ten worst situations a person can go through and how to emerge unscathed. Take note however, sometimes the only thing you can do is laugh at your own expense!
1. You woke up the morning after, but you’re unsure of your one night stand’s species
What a wonderful night it was, you got to drink yourself silly, hang out with your friends, dance with all the ladies and went home with the most beautiful one of them. Then the painful reality seeps in when you roll over and see your “catch” without the beer goggles. Don’t panic, they can smell fear! You might have the chance to make a run for it, providing she’s not sleeping on your arm, in which case you’re pretty much doomed to put on your best fake grin and wait until she’s in the bathroom. Oh, it’s even worse if this is your place. Make a mental reminder to stop drinking so much and pray that the whole thing was not caught on tape.
2. When is your abdominal fat due?
Poor lighting conditions, an abnormal body silhouette and your irritating habit of making small talk with strangers in the elevator are the main ingredients of this blunder: you ask the nice lady with an excessive abdominal fat when the baby is due. Well, if you don’t want to spend the entire trip to your floor cowering in a corner and fending off deadly purse strikes, you could try taking out your phone and pretending that you were having a conversation with someone else via the Bluetooth headset. Of course, that might not work if you were on one knee touching her belly, in which case you should make a friendly reminder to stop being creepy with strangers.
3. The mother-wife illusion
Every married man will at some point have to defuse the situation in which his wife is mistaken for his mother. However flattering it may be for your ego to accept the complement for your boyish good looks, be prepared to sign the divorce papers if you don’t act quickly to clear the confusion. In the event that you have good acting skills, you could also boost your chances for romance that night by pretending to take offense at the idea that someone could mistake your beautiful young wife for your mother. On the other hand, don’t try out this scenario if you feel you might burst with laughter throughout your speech.
4. That damned sink did it to me again!
Rowan Atkinson was the one who popularized this situation in one of his “Mr. Bean” movies. Essentially the water pressure in the sink of the public bathroom is so high that it splashes all over your pants, making it look like you just had a little “accident”. Don’t try explaining it to your friends, the “accident” version makes a much better story every time. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your evening in the stall waiting for the pants to dry or attempt to pull a “Mr. Bean” (use the blower of the hand drier), just splash more water on your shirt and walk out with dignity.
5. An ally in your wife?
Joking with your buddies about hair loss, erectile dysfunctions and similarly embarrassing things is great, but when your wife laughs at the jokes made at your expense – especially those that are aimed at your performance in the sack – it’s no longer funny. Why? Because what used to be joke between two friends receives a confirmation from the only person who has any experience in that field and that’s a low blow to the ego. In this case, it’s not funny because it’s true. Answering with a joke about divorce lawyers is probably the only sensible thing to do in this case other than getting naked and diving through the nearest window.
6. The story of the squeaky chairs and your first date
Cutting the cheese just as you are about to order an expensive product of the French cuisine and a wine to match is a surefire way to set your budget back a couple hundred dollars for nothing. However, your acting skills can get you out of it safely if you instantly complain to the waiter about the chair, which allegedly caused this noise once before. Of course, you could also blame the waiter for it in the event that the concept of “morals” doesn’t mean anything to you and you don’t have a problem with an innocent man getting fired.
7. Pimple your ride to disaster
A large pimple on your face is just the thing to get before an important public speech, particularly if you are planning to advertise cosmetic products. As you sit before the crowd who is still trying to understand if you’re joking or not, there are two roads you can take, although both imply lying. The high(er) road is to announce them that the pimple is fake and it’s all part of a marketing strategy. Be prepared for follow-up questions as you weave the web of lies. The low road means telling your audience that it’s not just a pimple, but a symptom of a serious condition, making them feel bad for staring.
8. She’s right behind me, isn’t she?
Just as you’re telling your wife that you don’t want to meet that awful, hell-spawn of a woman that is your mother in law, you realize that she’s sitting on the couch next to you. Don’t pull out your pen to sign the divorce papers just yet. Pretend that you were actually describing a terribly cheesy movie that made you leave the theater earlier. Then, in your most charming, nonchalant voice ask your wife why her “sister” decided to visit. It’s essentially a reversed version of number 3.
9. It’s getting drafty in here… Oh wait!
You just lost your swimming shorts in the icy waters of the pool and you don’t have much to show for due to the shrinkage effect. To preserve the illusion of manhood, use both hands to cover your privates and make a run for it to the nearest towel rack. Don’t worry, there is no way it could get any worse than that!
10. Who are you playing with in there?
The only thing more embarrassing than your wife catching you “relieve stress” by yourself during that special time of the month is when she’s also accompanied by her mother. Unless you plan to shut the door and live in the bathroom for the rest of your life, the line “Hey, do you think this resembles a cancerous lump?” is pretty much your last line of defense. And no, asking them to join you will not yield the same results in real life.