You can call me an honest liar. This is a cliche my friends have given me when they actually mean ‘lawyer’, my profession.
Many people just do not understand me. I am a 300 lbs man, who is still unmarried, and approaching midlife crisis. I work as a lawyer and enjoy spending most of my time working and chilling with my “bummed” friends. One of them is a lawyer, but what kind of lawyer is he when he inhales illegal substances?
Today, I am going to intrigue you with some of my deepest, darkest secrets. They’re juicy, they’re scandalous and they are going to have your jaw dropping within seconds. So here are my top 10 confessions.
1. Confession # 1:
I have this friend; let’s call him Nate. Nate is uneducated, has no job, lives off of his parents and smokes weed all day. Oh wait…I lied. He did work once at a Frozen Yogurt joint in the beach area. He ran the business down such a path that the grim reaper could have done a better job running it.
My friends, including Nate, and I go to Montreal. We have such a wonderful time together, but on the way back, we are stopped by the police for speeding. Nate almost gets us arrested because he decided to transport illegal drugs in his underwear-to be sold at home.
2. Confession #2:
Nate is not my only moron of a friend. Butch is even worse and when I say worse hold on to your jaws with this one because you are in for a shocker.
My friends and I go on vacation to Las Vegas. We stay at one of the most prestigious hotels on The Strip. A trip would not be a trip without a visit to Sapphire, the most dazzling strip club in the whole of Las Vegas. This is where Butch lost $3,500 on 1 stripper.
How? He gave the stripper $700 to come to his hotel room for some more 1 on 1. He spent $1,500 schmoozing with the stripper, buying her vodka and water. That’s not all; he booked a hotel room for 2 at Wynn. The only problem-stripper never showed up.
3. Confession # 3:
My sister is getting married. She is such a doll. I cannot find a date for her wedding, so my friend refers me to a girl that is interested in 1 date guys. Those girls do not come cheap. In fact, the day before the wedding, I take her on a shopping spree to Buffalo, where she bought over $2,000 of merchandise. I might as well have used the money for an escort.
4. Confession #4:
I have a client who is 100 years old and is trying to evade her problematic son. The mother and son have been feuding for over 10 years. I defend the mother against the tyrant son, but when the mother dies, it is revealed that she was schizophrenic. Gee, maybe the son was right all along, the mother may have been crazy after all.
5. Confession #5:
I am late; I have never been on time, not even once. I book appointments and come 4 to 5 hours later. My friends keep screaming at me, but they simply cannot change me.
6. Confession #6:
I had my own mischief at the strip club. I laugh at my friends who waste their money on lap dances, but I am no better. When it comes to strippers, I don’t let them huddle me, I let them fall to the ground on their bums. In fact, one stripper tried to sit on me, and when I failed to hold her back, she fell right off. You never saw a fat man run so fast for his dear life.
7. Confession # 7:
Most of my friends are rich and spoiled brats. My friend Daniel is becoming a lawyer and is doing his articling. His parents are both doctors. All his bills are taken care of by his parents, including the dough he loses in Poker.
8. Confession #8:
My best friend’s sister-in-law is one of the most irrational people I’ve ever met. We met on some dating site and she still remembers how I gave her the cold shoulder. At a housewarming party, she thought I came out of the closet and was not interested in any girls.
9. Confession #9:
Age is never a factor in relationships. Most women would not date someone as fat as me. However, this one 38 year old decided to go after me, even though I was 9 years younger than her. She even asked me out first.
10. Confession #10:
Yankee Doodle went to town, sitting on a pony…Oh right one last confession.
I am Mr. Lonely. I believe I will never get married until I am 101. Hyperbolizing here.