There is no doubt that the increasing crime rates as well as the escalating global conflicts make our world relatively dangerous. Since you have no way to predict the random acts of violence and you cannot always count on the police force to protect you 24/7, carrying a self-defense weapon might just confer you a fighting chance.
However, the more or less inconspicuous gadgets that fall under this category are not safe to use. Some of the weapons that will be presented in the following top 10 list are so badly designed and dangerous for the carrier that we cannot help but wonder why authorities allowed them on the market in the first place. Others are, well, simply laughable by default.
1. The flashlight that doubles as shotgun
Incapacitating assaulters is just so old fashioned, not to mention impractical when you simply want to blow a hole through their chest area. They’ll never see it coming if, instead of your hunting rifle, you use an unnecessarily large flashlight for the job. On one end you have the light bulb, while on the other you have the .410 barrel of the shotgun. However, providing that you will ever use the flashlight end, the barrel will be pointed directly at your chest. You stand a better chance of avoiding a gun wound if you beat your attacker senseless with this overgrown lantern.
2. The knife concealed as a harmless lipstick
The blade of the lipstick self-defense weapon in question is too small to actually do any damage to a potential attacker. However, it is just large enough to cause a painful mouth stab if you accidentally mistake it for your lipstick. Keep in mind that for most women the application of lipstick is a reflex gesture, so lipstick-knife related injuries are probably not infrequent. This weapon might just be the self-defense industry’s way to apply the Darwinian principles of natural selection.
3. The electrified jackets
What could make you feel safer than a jacket expelling 80,000 Volts whenever someone touches its external surface while your body is “safely” snuggled inside? In other words, what could possibly go wrong in a struggle, like you inadvertently brushing your palm or your face against the sleeves and getting a taste of your own electrical medicine? Now, let’s also take into account the fact that mass production of these clothing pieces would allow every more or less sociopathic practical joker to pull “shocking” stunts on the expense of others.
4. The shielding briefcase
As you are casually strolling along the sidewalk carrying your bulletproof briefcase, you notice that you are trapped in the crossfire between the police and a bunch of no good bank robbers. Thank goodness you have your personal 3-foot shield cleverly disguised as a briefcase to divert the trajectory of the bullets in real time, just like the pros you see in horrible action movies. Not only do the dimensions of this thing force you to choose which side of the body you want to protect from the stray bullets, but you also provide comic relief for the shooters in the process. Maybe the heavy metal plating inside could also help you knock them out with a James Bond signature move!
5. The vending machine, all situation camouflage
The only potential sources of inspiration for this self protection device – if you can call it that anyway – constitute the cartoons of the 60s. How you could possibly drape the frame and the curtains of this camouflage over yourself fast enough to trick the assailants or why they wouldn’t be able to discern between a metal/plastic vending machine and a piece of fabric is not explained in the users’ manual. But if you can think of a clever way to pull this stunt off, then by all means, get one!
6. The stun gun disguised as mobile phone
One fateful night, a Texas resident who used to keep his gun and the phone next to each other on the nightstand besides the bed accidentally shot himself in the head trying to answer a late call. Because the developers of this gadget learned absolutely nothing from this story or perhaps because they were trying to reproduce the “success” of the practice, they created a 950,000 Volts stun gun concealed as a regular mobile phone. So next time you are frantically searching for your ringing phone in your purse and you grab the first thing with a similar profile, don’t be surprised if you’ll get a shocking call.
7. The “smacking” cap
The “junk in the trunk” cap probably originated from “The Three Stooges” movies, where smacking someone on the head with different objects for acting stupid – hats and caps included – was a pretty common gag. This is exactly how the cap equipped with heavy ball bearings in the backside works: you grab it by the bill and knock some sense into your attacker. Unfortunately, you could also get a pretty strong comeback if you put it on too fast.
8. The Self defense key chains
Two particular key chains fall under this category, namely the Romatron and the Ninja. The former one is affixed with heavy polymer balls attached to your keys via a steel chain, with which you should be able to knock off any opponent providing you have the moves of Bruce Lee. The latter one is more deadly to carry, because the Ninja key chain is like having a bunch of nails in your front pocket praying that you won’t puncture your leg (or worse!) with every motion.
9. The screeching sound alarms
Like the label on the container clearly indicates, sound waves always go forward from the source in a clearly defined cone. This means that the acute screeching sound will only incapacitate the attacker, keeping your ears out of harm’s way. Unfortunately, in real life there are no truly debilitating sounds that work instantaneously and the sound waves always bounce off nearby structures, making it equally unbearable for you as it is supposed to be for the attacker.
10. The brain wave neutralizer
Lastly, a device that brags to alter the brainwaves of the assailant neutralizing his ability to move works on the same clever principle as the screeching alarm. Providing that it would proficiently be able to manipulate brainwaves, the same effect would apply to the user. Nice job, Myotron!
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