Top Ten List of Undateable People on Facebook

The digital age provides us plenty of opportunities to meet people and strengthen connections online. But sometimes, we see a different side of people online: the undateable side.

Need proof that finding your soul made on Facebook isn’t a good idea? Our Friends at Top 10 List took the liberty of finding some pretty ridiculous posts on Facebook from people who were single and for good reason. You know, the kind that make you scroll back and say “Seriously?!”.

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It’s weird, I know, but FB is like peanut butter and jelly: you must be some sort of freak if you’ve never tried it. (OK, or you have some severe allergy, but that doesn’t fit with my analogy so let’s move on.) Facebook is at the epicenter of our generation’s world, so anyone who isn’t on there is weird, right? I mean, how do you live without Facebook?

Matthew Myron, an author who recently wrote and did research on online privacy, has gone as far as to argue that not being on Facebook is like social suicide. ”Many people feel they have to be a part of Facebook to socialize. Such sites are the modern equivalent of a mobile phone. They have grown into fashion accessories and they are a must-have for people who don’t want to be social outcasts.”

Myron argues in regards to status updates and wall posts, but there is more to his argument than what meets the eye. When people have parties, they invite guests through Facebook. When people have birthdays, we send them messages (and are automatically notified) on Facebook. When people have anything to say, we say it all on Facebook.

And when someone doesn’t have Facebook, we think they are freaks hiding something.

Are those things even replacements for in-person chats or phone call conversations that are yesterday’s news?  Is someone’s profile a good way to judge him/her as being a social suicide freak? Probably not, but that is how we roll in “generation me” and anyone who is not a part of that will be left behind and out of the know when it comes to weekend ragers.

We may not want to admit it, but Facebook is a huge part of us and our our social lives. Not being on there might be worse for your social status than being “that girl” at a party or for every other Facebook hater. Or even being that annoying status updater who lets everyone know where they are at every possible second/puts up ambiguous statements that are just begging for attention. Ugh, those people are annoying.

The question that this article tries to ask: are people using Facebook to much? are they making themselves look like freaks? Will it make a difference if someone has Facebook or not? Truthfully, someone who is an outcast in real life, may well be an outcast on Facebook.


1.The Self-Loather

The Self-Loather

Nothing is less attractive than someone who has absolutely no confidence and is tirelessly lamenting their life and relationship status. It’s that whole mom-endorsed “you can’t love anybody until you love yourself” truism. Being honest is an attribute, but I don’t think that includes waxing on about your jaundice or crippling loneliness.


2. The Conspiracy Theorist

Conspiracy Theorist

Wouldn’t you like a steamy date with boy-who-cried-fake-wolf, Alex Jones? Last week he filled the douchebag throne in the wake of the horrific Boston bombings. This is the type of dude that would check your criminal records  and square footage with the DateCheck app. There’s a place and time for people who constantly question accepted truths, but they are not “now” and “in your bed”.


3. The Constant Sarcastic

Constant Sarcastic

Apathy and sarcasm look really cute at first, but after six months, man, that’s gonna wear you down. Statuses like these are often accompanied by live reenactments of Seinfeld episodes and dispassionate views about ice cream and soon, your entire relationship.


4. The Quotidian


Oh, minutiae! 2:43: Looks down at feet. 2:44: Thinks about typing. 2:45: Types a little more of this article. 2:46: Decides to get the hell out of this relationship.


5. The Casual Misogynist


I am so happy this person finally made it to the internet so that I could approach them for a date. I have a feeling like he will respect me and enjoy my company a lot. Because I am a woman.


6. The Hypocrite


Facebook, the great soap box of our time. But you don’t want to be the person or with the person who ends up unwittingly rallying against themselves. There are mouths to feed and a globe to unwarm, and this person will complain about all of it over their social media while simultaneously doing jack shit from an office chair.


7. The Self-Promoter


I understand that sometimes you have to promote your concerts/writing/flea circus on social media (guilty as charged), but when people clog up my News Feed with their shameless self-promotion and don’t even have the decency to sometimes comment about Mad Men, I hide them. That much self-concern doesn’t normally translate to a healthy, double-sided relationship.


8. The Pseudo-Intellectual


This is the type of person that trolls Tumblr in search of profound quotes from literature in order to, well, copy and paste a dense wall of text into their Facebook status in the hopes of impressing you. No commentary. No quip. On a date,  this person asks if you’ve read some piece in the New Yorker. When you ask what they thought of it, they stare off into space and after a few moments of silence, profoundly announce, “I liked it.”


9. The Tepid


With language this pithy, you have only to look forward to long afternoons of clipping your toenails while your significant other groans about being bored. Conversation peaks at sudoku puzzles and discussions of controversial topics like, “Will it rain?” Let’s bring in Mom-ism #2: Only the boring get bored.


10. Human Spam

Human Spam

You guys, I don’t think this is fake. This person is a well-rounded individual with deep cognitive processes who won’t send you forwarded chain mail. I think you should ask for their number.

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One Response

  1. Asocial

    The analogy stands up. I have a severe aversion to any sort of social interaction.


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